Well, hello there, awesome readers!
Before we dig into this blog post, let me make a prediction. I’m not saying that I’m a fortune-teller. I’m just saying that I’m pretty sure I’m about to piss someone off.
You see? I just offended AutoCorrect who is telling me that I should change “piss someone off” to “make someone angry.”
First of all, *insert eyeroll*
And secondly, If I wanted to say make someone angry, I would have said MAKE SOMEONE ANGRY.
No, AutoCorrect. I MEANT to write “piss someone off”. (Oh, stop it. I’m not changing it.)
Okay, I’ve made my peace with AutoCorrect. Let’s move on. (But notice how I handled that because we’re going to come back to it later.)
Scenario
You’re chatting with a friend or an acquaintance, and you suddenly realize that you have a strong urge to make yourself very small. Something you said triggered this friend (or acquaintance) and you become quiet, trying to take up as little space as you can for fear of “offending” them again.
The conversation has turned to you just agreeing with their opinions, even though you do not actually agree. You let them talk, even though you’re fully aware that they’re talking out of their ass.
It’s a crappy feeling. And it’s bad for you.
More than junk food, it’s bad for you.
More than drinking too much wine on a Tuesday, it’s bad for you. (Well, maybe not bad for you, but bad for Wednesday.)
More than smoking, making yourself small is BAD FOR YOU.
It’s bad for your self-esteem. It’s bad for your sense of self-worth. It’s bad for your self-confidence.
And the crazy thing about trying to make ourselves as small as we can is that often, we don’t even realize that we’re doing it. This is because we’re too busy doubting ourselves … asking ourselves the same question over and over again.
And that question is:
What is wrong with me?
Which is a cousin to that other question:
WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?!!
Okay, fine. So, they’re the same question. The first version is a whisper and doesn’t show on the outside. But the second version screams at you and shows in everything that you do. From deciding which brand of ketchup to buy (Heinz. The answer to THAT question is always Heinz), to wondering if you should use emojis in your work emails.
Self-doubt hijacks your every decision.
By the way, you’re in luck. I have the answer to both versions of that question and here they are:
Answer to first version:
Nothing. Nothing is wrong with you.
Answer to second version:
NOTHING. NOTHING IS WRONG WITH YOU.
Except …
Okay, there is one thing wrong with you. You’re not owning your feelings, your opinions, YOUR LIFE. Instead, you are ACCOMODATING someone else’s life in that moment.
Here’s a psychological evaluation (note that I am not a psychologist, which is why I’m calling this an “evaluation”):
Odds are, the other person (the one that’s making you shrink until there’s hardly anything left of you), is the one that feels small. In fact, they feel so small that they need to blow themselves up like a hot air balloon until all the corners in the room are filled with their puffy trigger-induced disposition.
Sounds scary, but it’s really just a lot of hot air.
Instead of having a conversation, they’re imposing their opinion on you.
And here’s the thing: Saying how you feel or expressing yourself is never wrong.
Holding back because you’re afraid that your feelings or opinions will offend someone is always wrong.
In fact, if someone gets offended by your feelings or opinion (unless if you’re being an arrogant jerk), it’s their problem, not yours.
But how do you handle someone who is making you feel small?
I have the answer to that question too. (I should write a damn advice column.)
You handle them with compassion. You take your ability to be gentle, and you dip it in a firm stance of BBQ sauce until you have a nice meaty centre surrounded by a confident, crunchy exterior. (Anyone else suddenly craving chicken wings? Just me? Never mind.)
And then you walk away.
If someone is triggered by something you feel or say simply because it’s not in line with their feelings or opinion, well, this is their problem not yours. And what is a conversation? A conversation is a sharing of thoughts, feelings, and opinions.
Dear people walking through life with triggers: Learn how to control yourself and listen to other people. The tip toeing around you for fear of a land mind exploding stops here.
By the way, did you notice how I handled AutoCorrect at the beginning of this piece? (I told you we would come back to that.) I handled AutoCorrect without emotion. I simply and assertively made my point and moved on.
Okay, so there was a little eye-rolling. Don’t judge me. If you read this post, you already know that I’m not perfect.
(The post is titled, “And this is why I’m not a life coach.” You should read it. But not now. I’ll post the link again at the bottom of this post. Let’s finish what we started, shall we?)
And IN SPITE of not being perfect or a life coach, here’s my advice to you:
No matter whose company you’re in, be yourself. Own who you are.
As my former acting teacher used to say, “It’s not your business what other people think of you.”
And as I used to tell my kids when they were teenagers, “Just remember that people your age know shit about shit and the only difference between a leader and a follower is confidence.”
State how you feel with confidence and remember this: No one has the power to make you feel small for your emotions or opinions on a matter.
Unless, of course, you give them that power.
Oh! I almost forgot. Here’s the link to that post I mentioned: And this is why I’m not a life coach.
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Mona Andrei is an award-winning humour blogger and author known for her entertaining perspective on life’s quirks. In her most recent book, SUPERWOMAN: A Funny and Reflective Look at Single Motherhood, she shares a personal journey filled with challenges and triumphs, intertwining stories and insights from single mothers around the globe.
When Mona isn’t writing, ten times out of nine, you’ll find her practicing her dance moves. As a member of a competitive hip hop team, she likes to think that she’ll stay young and cool forever. She may be delusional.
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