Hey there, awesome Moxie-Dude readers!
One of the perks to being my age is that after much trial and error, I’ve come to terms with the fact that procrastination cannot be cured. This may come as a surprise, but not even with the multi-remedial miracle treatment also known as wine (red or white – wine is never racist).
And so, to help solve this pandemic problem I’ve decided to share some of my top procrastination secrets. I swear. After you read these you’ll end up cleaning your oven, writing an entire “In Search of Lost Time”-length novel and obtaining your Ph.D.
Or you’ll just lie on your couch feeling overwhelmed from thinking about doing these things.
Procrastination Secret #1
Houseplants are not your friends. Just as you sit down to write, they will always find a way to get your attention (usually by screaming in your head) to tell you that they need to be watered NOW.
To avoid this Universal Law of Vegetation, always over-water your plants on Sundays. This way you’ll be good for the week because the other Universal Law of Vegetation states that plants cannot scream when they’re drowning.
Procrastination Secret #2
The title “freelance writer” is a little deceiving – in a downright lying kind of way. While “freelance” may convey visions of work-when-you-want, the real definition of freelance is put-off-what-needs-to-be-done-to-the-very-last-minute.
You can overcome this by learning how to tell yourself – with a very straight face to avoid suspicion – that the deadline is really 9 a.m. and not noon.
Procrastination Secret #3
Telling yourself that you’ll “just see what’s happening on Facebook for five minutes” is the quickest way to lose your entire day. This is because Facebook does not belong to any time zone. The truth is – and what the people who run the Internet don’t want you to know – is that Facebook is a vortex-disguised parasite that feeds off of your time. It’s the drug of the Millennium.
Confession: I’m still looking for a 12-step program for this.
PS. This was supposed to be a 5-top-secrets list but I haven’t gotten around to writing numbers 4 and 5. Mostly because I was too busy checking out what y’all were doing on Facebook.