Caveat: This post is fragmented.
Caveat to my caveat: It’s how my brain is working right now.
So here’s the scoop, awesome readers!
I have been trying REALLY HARD to write these last few weeks but my brain is broken. You see, I had a seizure and during my academy award-winning role of sizzling bacon, I gave myself a concussion. I also gave myself a black eye but right now vanity is the last thing on my list of things-to-stay-awake-and-worry-about.
Did someone mention a list?
Here’s the #1 thing on my worry list right now!
1. What if I had been driving?
This is how seizures work: One minute you’re just going along your day, doing laundry or planning supper, when all of a sudden there’s a title wave in your brain. The shock creates a disconnect between all the other sections of your brain, your body, and your consciousness. The next thing you know you’re laying on the ground and someone is hovering over you, asking really important questions and you have no idea what the answers are. Questions like, “What’s your name?” and “Where do you live?”
While it may sound frightening to suddenly not know who or where you are, the truth is that you’re just too damn confused to feel anything except, well, confusion. Oh and pain. Your head … your nose … your cheeks and collar bones … Confusion and pain are pretty much all you’re aware of in the next minutes or hours after you wake up from a seizure.
The second thing on my worry list:
2. What if my brain stays broken?
Since the seizure, my family has noticed some quirky behavior from me. If you know me in real life, QUIRKIER THAN USUAL.
Focusing is a problem. Remembering is a challenge. Finishing sentences is a setback.
Even this little status post is taking me DAYS to write but I really wanted to touch base with you, dear readers. I really wanted to grasp onto a sense of ‘normal’.
The other thing I have to come to terms with is the fact that I can no longer drive. Put into perspective, losing my independence is a small price to pay when you consider that should I ever have a seizure while driving, I could kill someone.
That’s a scary thought, indeed.
I think a black eye and a slightly fried brain are a small price to pay compared to what you know could have happened if it had been a different time or place! Take your time to get better slowly and be kind to yourself. It’s nice that you can still blog (even if the posts take a little longer to write!)
Thanks, Leanne. It’s a slow process but a sure one 🙂
Sorry to learn of your affliction. I do hope you have seen a good doctor in the field of epilepsy, as there are meds which are anticonvulsants/antiepileptic which should allow you to drive after expert evaluation. There can be side effects, but at least you should be able to control your seizures. If you have some type of tumor or brain lesion that’s something else. At any rate, don’t give up. Every one who knows you will be sending good thoughts your way,
Thanks for your kind words. And yes, I am seeing a great neurologist 🙂
I get that it’s frustrating not to be able to drive. Have you checked out public transportation? Buses go a lot of places they didn’t used to and many places also have special services for folks with disabilities that might help you get to where you need to go on your own. You can also bring some of your work with you on the bus, especially if you have a smart phone. That way, you can still be pretty darned independent.
Good advice, Anne Louise, although where I live there are no buses. That said, I feel positive and know that things will work out 🙂
I cannot imagine how hard this must be for you. Darn! I don’t even have any advice but know that, in case positive thoughts actually do help, I am sending as many as I can your way. Take care of yourself.
b+
You are too sweet! Thanks so much 🙂
Broken brain, black eye–doesn’t matter, you’re still freakin’ awesome! 🙂
Awwww thanks, Leona 🙂
For me it was quite easy giving up the driving, or easy is a stupid thing to write – I made it “easy” just because I couldn´t be a safe driver anymore….I´ve had my epilepsia for 10-13 years (?? if one just could remember these little, and often big things that happens in life) and I lost a lot of what used to be “me”. Not really that easy thinking these days, keeping that red thread through out sentences, and this thing – trying to write in english 😀 Yep, as a Swede we are kind of used to know a lot of english but that´s so much harder these days. Not gonna get stuck in some rambling now though, in the midst of yet another medschange so just gonna say, take care and I hope you´ll find other ways of travelling, I´m the greatest bustraveller ever now myself 🙂
Thanks for taking the time to comment. Hope your new meds work for you 🙂
I’m so sorry you have to give up driving for a while. My son also has seizures, but his are under control for know, and we hope they stay that way forever. Epilepsy is not easy. Hugs to you.
Thank you, Catherine. Your kind words mean a lot. Fingers crossed that your son’s seizures STAY under control 🙂
Hi Mona,
I stumbled upon your blog tonight and it really hit close to home so I decided that I could maybe share (hoping it helps you to hear that you’re not alone). I just recently lost my licence too… I had an “incident” on May 31 and I was in hospital for close to 5 months (my legs suddenly stopped working and we don’t have a clue why- I have several serious health conditions so it’s kind of a complicated situation) and despite the fact that it had nothing to do with my brain, they took my licence until I take a driving test (if I can get my legs to work better, so I can drive without needing hand controls). It’s frustrating because I had only recently gotten my licence back- I used to have seizures and had to be seizure free for several years. I was back in university and finally living my life. I don’t have epilepsy (once again, we don’t know what caused those either). But enough about me!
Have you been diagnosed with Epilepsy? Is this your first seizure? (sorry, I haven’t read your other posts)
Anyways, I just wanted to say something in case it helped you at all…. I mean, to know that you’re not the only one going through this kind of thing right now. I can totally commiserate. Seizures suck and are scary and not being able to drive around and do things for ourselves does too.
I’m really sorry that you have to go through this. Hopefully, you have some family or friends who can support and help you. I also hope that maybe you’ll find that it’s not epilepsy and be able to get your licence back after a little while of being seizure free…. I’ll be pulling for you and I am sending you good vibes and prayers- I really hope you heal and recover fast!
And, if you ever need to talk (if you’re interested), I’m around (I had to drop out of university from all of this for now- on top of it all, so I have a fair amount of time on my hands).
Hugs,
Alyssa & Moxie
Thanks so much, Alyssa. Your kind words mean the world to me. Yes, I do have epilepsy but it had been years since I had a seizure. Until “that” day. I truly hope that you get better too. Sending you healing vibes as well 🙂