Yo, awesome readers!
So if you read my last post, we’re all aware that mirrors sometimes yell at us so I thought I’d share my mirror’s latest rant:
Holy crap. You’re THIS age.
(As an aside, mirrors can be frightfully honest. Which is why I’m grateful that they can’t laugh.)
Here’s the deal. I don’t usually call myself “a lady”. But in this moment in time I’m going to declare that I adhere to a strict social etiquette where one should “never ask a lady her age.”
So please, don’t ask me my age.
The first thing I did after getting yelled at by my mirror was to swear off looking into it ever again. Then the oddest thing happened. I immediately realized that having lived THIS long, it is my duty to share some of my wisdom with y’all. After all, THIS AGE.
So I did what any responsible adult does when they want to share some hard-earned life hacks. I asked my parents for their advice. And here’s what happened next, awesome readers. THEY IGNORED THE QUESTION.
But fear not! I’ve come up with a few of my own life-hacker tips. So here we go …
Why? Because sometimes – not every time, but SOMETIMES – you will press 30 minutes instead of 30 SECONDS and as you get lost in your writing bubble, said potato will catch on fire.
It’s an easy mistake to make. Trust me.
And since we’re on the topic of appliances catching on fire …
I’m telling you this because whoever writes the How-to instructions on a frozen pizza box has decided that this VERY IMPORTANT PIECE OF THEIR PACKAGING is an unnecessary extra step to include in the cooking instructions. I have two theories on this.
1) An extra step is AN EXTRA STEP and they want frozen pizzas to look easy. And …
2) By neglecting to tell us to remove this extra layer of cardboard we automatically blame ourselves when the pizza catches on fire in our oven. Because who can blame a pizza?
I don’t think I need to explain this one.
Oh wait! Maybe I do.
Sad. You’ve just broken up with your boyfriend (or microwave) and to console yourself you walk into a pet store and BAM. Suddenly you’re walking out with a puppy.
Scientific Fact: Puppies are a proven therapy for sadness.
And about the never walk into a pet store when you’re hungry thing. I have no idea what that means. Except that maybe I’m hungry right now. Let’s move on, shall we?
Confession: I feel that the “live” part of this one may go without saying because if I’m writing this and you’re reading this, clearly we’re already doing the “live” part. That’s how living works. But love and laugh … these are choices. While CHOOSING to love things like bacon and wine happens naturally, sometimes we forget to notice. So go ahead. Eat the bacon. Drink the wine. And notice how warm and fuzzy they make you feel. And laugh every day. It’s one of the secrets to the living part.
Except that I think 90% of posts on Facebook are done by people who are mostly drunk. As proven by the number of cat videos online.
So there you have it. One life hacker tip for every decade that I’ve been on this planet. Clearly I need help. If you have a life hacker tip you’d like to share, please post it in the comments. The rest of us need your help. And by the rest of us, I mean me.
PS. If you’re my parent you are NOT ALLOWED to comment. That’s your punishment for ignoring me when I asked you for your advice; regardless of whether or not you thought I would follow it.