As humans we have an inherent need to connect with others. From the baristas at our fave coffee shop, to librarians, to even that lady who works at the local liquor store. Yes, THAT lady. (She’s also my therapist.)
Odds are that if you visit any place several times a month, you’ve made a friend and I KNOW that I’m not just talking about myself here.
Recently, I was at my pharmacy (also known as a drug store, depending on where you live) and Lisa, the one who takes care of my prescriptions, asked me the most ridiculous question I have ever been asked. I was speechless for almost an entire minute.
“Do you want me to add you to the rabid test list?”
My first response … that’s right. Silence.
I had no idea what she was talking about. In my head I was asking, “WHY LISA??? AM I SHOWING SIGNS OF RABIES??? I’m not frothing at the mouth (again), am I??? And even if I am, I’m wearing a mask. How do you know if I have rabies, Lisa??? HOW DO YOU KNOW???”
When the hamster finally stopped having kittens, I was able to respond calmly.
“Ummmm … what?!!”
“The rabid test list. Do you want me to add you to it? We’ve already run out. People snatched them up as soon as we got them.”
Suddenly, I wasn’t worried about myself having rabies. I was worried about EVERYONE ELSE having rabies.
As Lisa stood there on the other side of the counter waiting for an answer, I glanced out the window to make a mental note of where I had parked my car.
How long will it take me to run to my car? Will I have enough time to get to it before some rabid stranger bites my ankle? Should I tell Lisa to lock the front door? LOCK THE DOOR, LISA. DO IT NOW! No, wait. Then she’ll think I have rabies. CALM THE FUCK DOWN, MONA.
The hamster was running around in circles in my head. Like a … you guessed it … rabid animal. And then I started to question EVERYTHING.
Oh. My. God. I DO have rabies. I knew I wasn’t feeling quite myself when I woke up this morning. Crap. I’m not going to die of covid. I’m going to die of RABIES. But wait! I’m in a pharmacy (or drug store). They have MEDICINE here. Surely, they have an antidote for rabies.
So very calmly I asked, “What’s the antidote for rabies?” (At least I think I sounded calm. CalmER than my internal dialogue, that’s for sure.)
Now it was Lisa’s turn to stare at me with a blank expression. It was like her soul had left her body.
And then, “Ummmm … what?!!”
“The antidote for rabies. What is it?”
At this point I noticed Lisa move a little to the left as she reached under the counter. It was a subtle movement, but I noticed it. (I really should have been a private investigator.)
“Did you just press the panic button?” I asked.
Her response: “I’m just not sure what the relation is between rabies and the rabid test …”
And then, “Oooooh. Did you think I said RABID test?”
Yeah, so I think I need to find a new pharmacy. Or drug store, depending on where you live.
Meanwhile, here’s my latest column for Inspades News, titled Case Study: How to Stay on Track with Your New Year’s Resolutions.
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Carol Cassara says
Oh you were killin’ me! and not from rabies!
You blew your chance. You aren’t going to get on the rabid test list after all. (Oh my, this was funny, though.)