Hey there, awesome readers!
When I was pregnant, eagerly awaiting the birth of my first child, I had a vision of what my life would be like as a parent. Basically, it went something like what girls are made of: Sugar and spice and everything nice. (I was expecting a girl.)
Yes, I had heard about the “terrible twos.” But in my mind, it was a myth made up by some dysfunctional family, trying to cover up the chaos that had become their life.
Well, guess what. It’s not a myth. The terrible twos are a real thing, y’all!
And as my fourth child was approaching her second birthday, I admit, I panicked. My brain was consumed by three little words: “Not this again!” That’s when I came up with my brilliant plan: I started telling her that she was turning three.
(For the record, that experiment was a complete fail. As it turns out, there’s no avoiding the terrible twos.)
So, if you’re a new parent, I thought it may be helpful to have a breakdown of the 6 stages of a toddler’s tantrum because in many ways, parenting is like driving and knowing how to read the signs is always helpful.
And here they are… The 6 Stages of Toddler Tantrums
Stage 1: The Initial Explosion
This is that triggering event that is often just as surprising as the explosion itself. One day you’re giving your toddler a bowl of corn flakes for breakfast, and all is… well, sugar and spice and everything nice. The next day the same cereal in the same bowl with the same damn spoon and the breakfast table becomes ground zero for a toddler revolution. It’s awesome.
Stage 2: The Point of No Return
At this point your thought process will go something like this: “Who is this??? AND WHO DO I CALL TO SCHEDULE AN EXORCIST???” (Not. Even. Kidding.) You try everything. You try to console. You try to ignore. You even walk out of the room, hoping that this will “snap them out of it.” Nothing works. This is because your flailing child can’t hear you. They’re lost in their own illogical hell.
Stage 3: The Full-Blown Meltdown
This is when fear sets in. How is it that your child can throw themselves to the floor and not get a concussion? And how do you approach them without getting your own nose broken? (When you figure this one out, please let me know so that I can share it with other parents. The answer to this mystery is in great demand, across all countries and cultures.)
Stage 4: The Peak Performance
This is stage drama at its very finest with exaggerated gestures, facial expressions, screaming, crying, the whole shebang. What else can I say? Except perhaps it’s time to call Hollywood?
Stage 5: Negotiation Tactics
From bargaining to pleading, at this point you’d gladly give up a portion of your liver to make the madness stop. (But only a portion. You’ll need the rest for the bottle of wine you’ll drink after your little monster goes to bed.)
Stage 6: The Aftermath
This is the calm after the storm and while you may be exhausted, perhaps even exasperated, your toddler is back to their usual, happy self, ready to colour. They may even ask you to make them a snack. The word “baffled” was invented to describe this special stage of a terrible two meltdown.
Why am I sharing this with you? Because when I first started living through these moments of pure… *cough* hell, I blamed myself. I thought the cause was my parenting skills. Seriously, how can a sweet child be sugar and spice one minute and act like Satan’s offspring the next?
As it turns out, this is NORMAL behaviour. I can’t explain it, but I can assure you, there’s nothing wrong with you or your parenting style. The only thing you can do when it happens is summon your inner Zen like a Shaolin monk on a mountain top, because you’re about to need it.
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Mona Andrei is an award-winning humour blogger and author known for her entertaining perspective on life’s quirks. In her most recent book, SUPERWOMAN: A Funny and Reflective Look at Single Motherhood, she shares a personal journey filled with challenges and triumphs, intertwining stories and insights from single mothers around the globe.
When Mona isn’t writing, you’ll find her practicing her dance moves. As a member of a competitive hip hop team, she likes to think that she’ll stay young and cool forever. She may be delusional.
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