Hey there, awesome readers!
Let me start by saying this:
When something happens once, it’s a COINCIDENCE.
But twice in the same week. NOPE.
What’s the opposite of coincidence?
CREEPY.
So, here’s what happened…
My bathroom window is in the shower, overlooking the backyard. It’s kinda nice. The steam goes straight outside, and I get to look at whatever is blooming while I take a shower. Or yell at Jed if he’s barking at the sumac’s encroaching our yard. And since becoming a professional juggler, I sometimes do it all AT THE SAME TIME: Shower, admire the yard, AND yell at Jed. (It’s a gift, really.)
Except the other day, I noticed a spider perched in a web between the two windows.
Random sparkle of knowledge:
I have a profound fear of spiders. Like, I channel my inner ninja when I’m alone in the house and one happens to venture out into the crease between the wall and the ceiling. When I’m not alone, I scream. I call it my spider threat call. It sounds like this: “DAAAAAAAAVE!!!!!!!” (He knows it well.)
That’s what happened, the other day. I was in the shower and screamed my spider threat call and danced some kind of jig while jumping out of the shower and wrapping a towel around me. (Again, professional juggler. It’s like a natural instinct at this point. I’m not even aware that I’m doing it.)
Exasperated, Dave came running into the bathroom like my knight in shining armor that he is, and as I stood there, droplets of water dribbling down every part of my body, he grabbed a tissue and started hunting down the spider of death.
“Sorry, babe. I can’t see it,” he finally said.
“BUT IT WAS JUST THERE.”
He shrugged and left the bathroom a little less apologetically than I think he could have. I mean, he was leaving me in the bathroom ALONE. With a SPIDER.
Unicorn shampoo horn on top of my head, I had no choice but to get back in the shower. Eyes closed to rinse the suds out of my hair, I was very careful to stay as far away from the window as possible. Which is hard because the window is RIGHT THERE. Then I opened my eyes and *GASP* there it was again. Happily sitting in its web, watching me like a perverted stalker.
WTF, right?
Without thinking, I finished up and like a bat out of hell, got out of there.
That was the other day.
Last night? Same story. I’m in the shower, letting the day’s stress wash down my body when I happen to glance over at that corner of the window AND THERE IT IS. Once again, I sound off the spider threat call and I’m barely out of the shower when Dave comes running in and grabs his weapon of choice: this time, a square of toilet paper. (Let the record show: A SQUARE. When I’m left in charge of this defence tactic, I need seven INCHES of toilet paper.)
Four seconds later, he’s shrugging, sorry, babying me again.
Jeezuss f*ck!
Once again, I hesitantly get back in the shower, AND THERE IT IS: my perverted little stalker friend. Except it’s NOT a friend. But I do have a theory. I’m not sure if it’s because I’m in the middle of writing a vampire story, but here’s what I’ve got…
It’s some kind of undead vampire spider that can instantly disappear when it hears the spider threat call.
Think about it: only shows up at night. Has zero boundaries. Clearly immortal.
I’m just saying… I may be the first person in history to need garlic, bug spray, and a stake in my shower caddy.
Those undead vampire spiders are the worst. I can’t let my oldest daughter read this because she’ll never sleep or shower again. This is next level spider nightmare.
It’s not interested in you. It’s interested in gnats and mosquitoes and suchlike that might want to bite you. It’s PROTECTING you. Sort of like a cat, only you don’t have to buy food for it, take it to the vet, or even scratch behind its ears.